这是我妈妈第一部电影took me to see as a kid, and to this day, Star Wars is my all time favorite movie. Hands down, no questions asked, no ifs ands or buts. I have known Star Wars all my life and there will never be another film that so captures the imagination, so changes the way we see film, and so single handedly can make a child (me in this case) fall so desperately in love with the movies.

But Star Wars is also wise. Many important life lessons can be gleaned from its science fiction scroll of wisdom. If applied properly, these lessons can assure you a life of long and prosperous happiness. Here are some of the important life lessons kids… let the wisdom soak in deep:

1) If you’ve got someone beat… go in for the kill
In so many movies, at some point the big bad guy will have the hero at a disadvantage, only to have the hero come up with some cleaver way to distract or delay the bad guy just enough to escape or win the day. “Oh, you don’t want to eat me, I’m so salty”, or “Yeah, go ahead and kill me… it’s the worst thing you can do for yourself right now” and the bad guys always buy it and relent. BUT NOT DARTH VADER! Obi-Wan tried this tactic with the old “If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful that you can possibly imagine”. And what did Vader do? He said “That’s nice… let me know how that being dead thing works out for you” and struck that sucker down!!!

2) If you’re going to kill someone… kill them without telling them about it first.
I’ll never understand Greedo. He clearly goes into the cantina to kill Han Solo, he’s got him sitting there ripe for the kill… and instead of taking advantage of it he decides to have a debate with Han first on the various techniques of spice smuggling. Or Palpatine… he wants to kill Luke… but just keeps saying “Now you will die”, proceeded by lighting, then stopping the lighting to basically say “now you’re REALLY gonna die”, followed my more lightning. Did Princess Leia jump behind Jabba and tell him how angry she was at him… how he hurt her feelings and made her feel marginalized? No! She just jumped back there and choked him out! That’s how you roll.

3) Never trust someone with a mustache
Oh yeah, Lando’s a great guy… we go back a long way. DON’T YOU BELIEVE IT! That mustache sporting bastard will double cross you faster than Doug Nagy accepts free Motor Head tickets. Even Biggs… who I’m sure means well… but he up and leaves Luke on his own on Tattoine, and then he’s all like “Oh yeah Luke, let’s attack that Death Star, I’ve got your back…. OPPPSSS… I’M DEAD!” Never trust or count on someone with a Mustache.

4) All bartenders are racist bigots
“We don’t serve their kind here” Yeah, that just about sums it up… even after Han wasted Greedo, I’m sure if it wasn’t a foreigner (Alien) that he dusted that bartender would have called the cops right away.

5) Thugs run away from old limping men
So this big gang of Sand People are looting Luke’s stuff. They’ve got weapons, they just beat the crap out of Luke… yup… they’re pretty tough. BUT WAIT! He comes some old guy with a limp. RUN AWAY!!!! So whenever I’m walking in New York or LA late at night in a bad part of town… I just make sure there’s always some old guy, preferably with a walker or something, nearby so I know thugs won’t try anything funny.

6) Don’t get promoted
Some kid shows will try to fill your heads with lies about “doing your best”, and “being all you can be”. But I know better. Stay quiet… fly under the radar… and DO NOT GET YOURSELF PROMOTED. Bosses kill people, and they usually start with the one standing closest to them. So when I was working the deep fryer at the burger joint and they asked me if I wanted in the Managerial Training Program… I remembered the harsh lesson learned by Admiral Ozzel… and graciously declined. Remember kids: Pump gas, serve fries, be a crossing guard…. AND STAY ALIVE.

7) Hypothermia is a myth
My mom was a real prankster. Always telling me in the Canadian winters that I need to dress really warmly or I could freeze to death. I believed her nonsense to until saw Empire Strikes Back! The next winter a really cold day hit (I think it was like -40 degrees) and my mom said I couldn’t go outside because it was too cold. I politely corrected her pointing out that on Hoth, even though it was cold enough outside to kill a Tauntaun that was native to that environment… all Han needed as a coat and he was just fine.

8) When you fall down, you become VERY fragile
Up until I watched Empire Strikes Back, I never knew one of the most important safety tips in the world… NEVER FALL DOWN. Apparently, when you fall down, your whole body temporarily becomes very very very fragile. For example, the AT-AT’s armor was “too strong” for the snow speeders blasters. But as soon as it tripped, one single blaster shot blew the crap outta that thing. So much for strong armor. So if you do fall down kids… get up as fast as you can before thugs trow a paper ball at you and cripple you for life. Unless an old limping man is around… then you’re ok.

What are some of the other life lessons you’ve learned that should be passed on the children of today?